Recently, after a Sunday writing group I’m in that meets at a local Panera, an elderly gentleman asked me why so many people parked on laptops in public places these days. 

Great question, dear sir. 

I do it because I crave interaction and energy from other people that I won’t get working at home by myself. Because it feels supportive and creates opportunities for connection with other humans.

Being location-independent work-wise has a ton of benefits, such as the two-weeks I spent on opposite sides of North Carolina last month.

But working remotely also takes more relational work to make friends, cultivate relationships, and find community.

Four Invisible Anchors of Connection Building

A huge challenge to building - or deepening - relationships when you operate as a location-independent person is we often lack three common anchors that kickstart relationships - proximity, similarity, and familiarity. 

With an office-centric job, we have these without any effort or awareness on our part. 

We benefit from the familiarity of constantly seeing the same people and collecting small interactions. Simple proximity encourages passing conversations about weather, commuting, and local drama. The similarity of working at this company or existing in the same geographic space is a connection point.

These consistent anchors allow us to apply the relational glue: self-disclosure.  

When we share ourselves in a vulnerable way over time, we build relationships. These layers of self-disclosure provide the depth and strength needed to spill the relationship outside of its original container. Strangers become connections. Coworkers become friends. Crushes become partners. 

This is also the hardest part and heaviest lift, even when you have the other three anchors.

When you think about it, most of our relationships are sourced - and maintained - because of the first three factors. When they change, most relationships start dissipating. 

So, what do we do when we choose the freedom and benefits of remote work at the cost of powerful relational-building defaults inherent with in-person, location-specific environments?

How might we counterbalance that lack?

Do the Work to Create Opportunities for Connection

You have to do the work to intentionally build in those missing anchors as supportive structures.

I actively find supportive groups and activities - like that Sunday morning writing group at Panera - to gain a level of proximity to people with similar interests.  I’m specific about what I need and how much effort I’m willing and able to put in. 

Then I show up repeatedly and consistently to build familiarity and spark casual friendships.

Remember when I said self-disclosure was the hardest part and heaviest lift.  

That’s because it’s vulnerable, it takes the time it takes, it might not work.  It means accepting that I control how I show up, not how others respond. 

I’m not a chameleon trying to fit in, I’m a human seeking belonging and connection.

And by accounting for the missing relational anchors, creating opportunities to connect with cool people, and putting in the effort, I’m setting myself up to build meaningful relationships and the satisfying life I want to live. 

Which often means parking my laptop at a Panera.